


Bare Souls

by sapphicalexandra



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-10
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-29 23:53:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,579
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3915388
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphicalexandra/pseuds/sapphicalexandra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Jemma finds out what Ward did to Bobbi, Fitz wants to do all he can to comfort her. A spillage of emotions ensues.<br/>or<br/>My version of the auspicated "talk" in the S2 finale (or rather what i'd like it was said in it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bare Souls

**Author's Note:**

> Let's play a game of how much - or how little, more likely - will be of this in the actual episode(s).  
> I realize i got a fair bit carried away and the fic turned out far longer than i expected, and i'm not crazy enough to even expect half of what is said to actually be in the show, but at least /some/ of the dialogue, or the general things they say, /are/ what needs to be said! If they don't at least get out /something/ of Jemma's side of the story and her emotions on the matter, i swear... Just a tiny bit, please?  
> \------  
> Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me, all to Marvel.

Bobbi’s limp form on the bed of the sick bay looked frailer than ever before.

Jemma had to force her thoughts to not wander in that dark corner of her mind where the nine longest days of her life had been caged and locked in a long time ago. When a different form had been on the bed, and a different person…

_No, focus._

Hunter hovered over his ex-wife, with the most contrite face Jemma had ever seen on him.

“How – how is she?” he asked the biochemist, eyes fixed on the blonde’s hand under his own.

 “She’ll be…okay.” Jemma managed to croak out, stretching her lips in a smile, in what had kind of become a reflex for her.

She had done everything she could; Bobbi would live. The real extent of her injuries or what effect they’ll have in the long run, however, was still a mystery, at least until she woke up.

Jemma swallowed hard, raising the armor she had built around herself ever since her world had started falling apart around her, and resorted to checking Bobbi’s vitals again to keep her mind busy.

For how much she had felt betrayed by her, Bobbi didn’t deserve this. If she had died, without Jemma having had the chance to tell the woman who had saved her, been of support to her, who had actually been willing to listen to her side of the story, that she forgave her… Let’s just say she didn’t rejoice at the thought.

“You still haven’t told me what happened to her,” she inquired aloud.

Not bearing to look at her patience anymore, Jemma turned her head to stare at Fitz, who was huddled in a corner, as if he was trying his best to make himself disappear.

That mustn’t have been too far from the truth, because when he realized she was speaking to him, he couldn’t bring himself to meet her gaze.

Shifting on his feet, he brought a hand to rub at his neck; clear signs he was nervous even to those who didn’t know him as well as she did.

Jemma couldn’t stop the sinking feeling that started chilling her to the bone.

“Fitz?” He met her eyes for a split second, then looked at his feet, then at Bobbi. He grimaced at the sight. “Fitz, tell me, please.”

She tried to ignore the slight undertone of panic in her voice, putting into it as much firmness as she could muster, instead. She had to know. If it was what she thought…

Telling her the truth was the last Fitz wanted to do. He _had_ to figure out a way to spare her this, to find some convincing excuse, a way out…

 “Um – well, it’s not…really necessary for you to-“

He heard Jemma take a sharp intake of breath.

 _Awesome, Fitz_. _Certified genius, my ass._

He had to buy more time. She had probably already found the answer for herself…

 “It was that _bastard_ of a psychopath maniac and his crazy girlfriend! When I find him, I’m gonna _kill_ him!” Hunter’s words were like a growl.

…if she hadn’t, some idiot had just spelled it out for her. _Damnit!_

Hunter went to slam his fist against the wall, emitting a sound of frustration.

Jemma watched him silently.

She felt like some kind of fog had descended on the room, blinding her sight, muffling all sounds. Her ears were ringing.

“Jemma–“ Fitz stepped closer to her, worry in his voice, but she didn’t give any notice she had heard him. “Jemma, listen to me, this is _not_ –“

A portion of her brain was registering his presence and some words being addressed to her, but the majority of her was regarding Bobbi’s figure under the new light of her recent discovery.

She took in her hair all spread out around her impossibly pale face. She took in the all the machines and needles attached to her, the beeping of the heart monitor and the unknowable variables of what had been done to her. She took in Hunter pained expression at her bedside.

“Ex – excuse me…”

She turned around. Fitz might’ve been calling out for her, but she ignored him, heading straight for the door.

_The next terrible thing he does is on me._

_\---_

“Jemma, wait!” Fitz yelled.

He hadn’t wanted this to happen; now she was going to _blame_ herself. As if what that traitor did was _her_ fault.

He shot a look behind his back at Hunter, but he couldn’t really be mad at him, not with the way he had reacted to Bobbi’s predicament.

Jemma would’ve find out anyway, sooner or later.

The ex-mercenary met his gaze, raising an eyebrow in a silent question, nodding towards the retreating scientist. Fitz couldn’t stop and answer it, however.

Jemma was getting away and he needed to follow her. He had to at least try to make her feel better about this.

She seemed to have vanished, he mused, as he wandered the corridors full of unfamiliar faces, and the most familiar one wasn’t in sight. That, until he spotted the ends of her short brown hair rounding a corner.

Quickening his pace, he called out again:

“Jemma, _wait_!”

This time she actually heard him.

She _needed_ to be alone. She couldn’t let Fitz seeing her like this. She couldn’t bear to see his face while he looked at her, knowing what she had done.

She hesitated for a short millisecond, her body stiffening at his call, until she finally decided the next course would take. Doubling her steps, she passed the door to her bunk and started heading towards the vacated hallways in the back.

_She was trying to shake him off._

She had always had the habit of retreating in some deserted place when she was feeling particularly emotional. Fitz had always been ( ~~the only one)~~ welcomed to join her, to comfort her.

But things were different now. He shouldn’t be feeling that sting of hurt at not being wanted at her side. _That_ was how things were, and he should’ve been used to it by that point. (He wasn’t.)

He kept following her anyway. At a safe distance.

She wasn’t in her right mind, obviously, like it was to be expected; in any other occasion she would’ve realized she was heading towards a dead end.

She couldn’t believe it when she reached it. She had stuck herself in a dark corner, with Fitz, in the worst possible moment.

She couldn’t keep calm for long, if she didn’t have that moment alone to collect herself…

_Breath in, keep it together, he’ll go away soon, it’ll be okay…_

Once upon a time she could’ve cried on his shoulder for how long she would’ve wanted, while he hugged her close to his chest.

But things were different now.

She swallowed down the pain and longing at the months-old realization. Dwelling on it wouldn’t have been of help in her current situation.

Reaching a dead end _couldn’t_ have been part of her plan.

Fitz felt sure of, upon seeing her jump in surprise when she found a wall blocking her path.

She didn’t turn to face him immediately, however.

He could hear her labored breaths.

“Jemma– “

“Fitz, please, I just– I just need a moment alone. I’ll be right back, I promise, don’t you worry about…” Her reassurance went lost in her throat. It wouldn’t have worked anyway, not with how it was told, in a voice so thin and breakable, he could hear the cracks in it.

“Jemma, this is _not_ your fault,” he spelled out to her in the most firm and unwavering voice he could muster.

“Of _\- of course_ it is! Haven’t I _told_ you that–“

Turning around, she raised her awfully big eyes to meet his. There was this lost, far-away look in them that tugged at Fitz’s heartstrings in the most painful ways. She had never seemed more like a deer caught in the headlights.

“What that bastard does isn’t _your_ responsibility! Don’t blame yourself for the horrible acts _he_ commits!” His voice was pleading.

He _had_ to make her see reason. She couldn’t keep feeling like this, because of something that traitor _Ward_ did, none the less!

“ _BUT I HAD HIM_!”

Her shriek cut into his head like a passing bolt. It startled him, making him jump into his skin at the suddenness of it.

She brought her hands, that she noticed she couldn’t stop from trembling, to cover her face, to claw at it, half-turning away from him.

Why didn’t he _understand_ that it was all her fault?

“I could’ve _prevented_ it! That was up to me! I had _promised_ myself…that I wouldn’t let anyone else get hurt by him, and I **_failed_**.” The last word came out like a mix between a snarl and a wail.

How could’ve she let that happen? Why couldn’t she do anything _right_?

She scrunched her face, feeling herself being too close on the verge of crying, so she closed her eyes, willing the tears away.

She was still trying to keep it together. Her every effort of preventing herself from letting any emotion out in front of him was like a pour of acid on his never-healed wounds. He breathed in to let that sensation go.

“It wasn’t – it wasn’t up to you, Jemma. They’ll catch him, he’ll pay for what he’s done…Believe me when I say he’s not _worth_ become a killer over!”

She shot her head up at that, and her eyes pierced into him with all the fire she had forced into them.

Caught on the receiving end, Fitz chose to ignore what that was doing to him, wondering if maybe he had to be afraid, instead.

“I don’t _care_. I don’t care what that makes me, as long as you, all of you, are _safe._ ”

His brain went to latch immediately at the implications of what she was saying.

“Don’t you _understand_?”

The question didn’t feel rhetoric; he could sense a quiet desperation in it.

He _did_ understand what it was that she wanted, but she really should’ve _stopped_ beating herself up like that for it, he had to make her _see_ that…

 “I can’t let anyone else get hurt because I was too _weak_ to do the right thing to _protect_ them…” A sob escaped her, and she averted her eyes.

Was she talking about him?

She was talking about him.

But wait–

“ _Weak_? You were never weak, what are you even saying?!”

“I – I _was_! I _am_! Or I wouldn’t have failed…I would’ve have failed at _everything_.”

She had said it aloud. She had admitted it in front of him, and now he would see her for what she truly was.

 _A_ _failure_.

She had ought to be horrified at the thought, she should’ve stopped herself before she scared him away for good, in disgust for what she had become. But deep down she knew that that was what she deserved.

It was fair to him, finally letting him know. She had been clinging to him for far too long, like an unrepentant parasite.

“All this time I have been doing everything _wrong_ … I’ve failed at killing Ward, and before that I failed at helping Skye, and Trip died because I didn’t stop him, and _you_ , I couldn’t do _anything_ to help you…”

Words had started coming out of her one after the other, and Fitz could barely keep track of them all. He was still mulling over her earlier declaration of _weakness_.

He felt too slow for his own liking.

But something spurred inside of him at the last comment, and he couldn’t stop his own retort from spilling out from deep inside of him–

“You – you didn’t have to **do** anything, you just needed to **_stay!_** ”

Like a splash of icy water on a sleeping face, his words hit them with all the force of their abruptness, followed by a startled silence to went to stick on their skins.

The only sound that could be hears was of their labored breaths.

She let the blow go dig another dent in what was once an unscathed, leveled heart. It must’ve had opened a hole in it, because something had started to come out of it, like air from a punctured balloon.

She could even hear the sound of it.

That was when she realized she had started laughing.

Fitz’s eyebrows shot upward, as he watched her double over, an hand on the wall to support her, the other pressed against her middle.

He felt as if acid was being poured down his throat, scorching him from the inside out. There was venom flowing through his veins, chilling him from head to toe.

He turned around to get far away from there as fast as he could.

\---

A sense of dread overwhelmed her, as her ribcage painfully shook. As she realized that the previously-guarded emotions, that had been securely stocked inside of her for a considerate amount of time, were now spilling out all at once.

And she didn’t know how to stop them.

Watching him retreat, she picked her anger from the mix, and she channeled it, throwing it at him.

“Do you think I could’ve _stayed_?!?”she shouted.

He wavered in his steps.

“Do you think I’d _wanted_ to go?!? Do. You. _Think_.” She took a few strides towards him, while he stopped in his tracks, closing his hands into fists. “That I didn’t consider _every_ option, that I didn’t try my _damnest_ to find any reason – _any_ reason that meant I could keep staying at your side…”

She thought back, at that time when she had tried and tried, denied and denied…

“Look at me, Fitz.”

At that time his back was all she had seemed to ever see.

Him turned away from her, caught up in so much pain, and she unable reach him. ..

_Turn to me, Fitz, please._

He spun around.

Her relief washed away immediately upon seeing his tear-stricken, _furious_ face.

“What are you _on_ about?! I could list you _a crapton_ of reasons why you could’ve – _should’ve_ stayed, right here and now!”

The nerve of her! Laughing in his face, at the mere _thought_ of having to stay by his side in his time of need…why did he still _bother-_

“You don’t – you don’t remember how it was before, _do you_?”

Her question caught him off guard. He looked at her, and she was laughing again, if more subtly. She sounded hysteric.

He had to admit that the earlier period of his recovery, right after he awoke from his coma, _was_ rather foggy. For her to bring that up to have the better on him…

She hadn’t wanted to tell him what she was about to say, _ever_. She had wanted to spare him this much more pain… This had been _her_ burden to bear.

But she couldn’t take this anymore. She couldn’t let him think for a second longer that she had abandoned him, that she hadn’t wanted more than anything to be by his side…

“I spent _weeks_ refusing to see what was right in front of my eyes, because I was sure – or I wanted it to be – that this was something we could’ve got through _together_ , like we always did... But that _wasn’t the case_.”

 “That – that doesn’t even make sense! We _could’ve_ got through it together, if you just–“

 “ _No_ , Fitz… No.”

As her voice broke, she found herself being unable to be this close to him. She started pacing in the small cage she had so foolishly built for herself, trying to clear her head enough to keep going.

“You wanted me…to fix you, but I couldn’t. You wanted me to help you interact with people, to the point that when I was there, you didn’t even try to let the words out, because you _knew_ I would’ve step in. And I _did_ because I couldn’t _stand_ watching you struggle… and I would’ve kept doing it, being everything you wanted, _needed_ me to be, but…”

His ears had popped at some point.

He came to realized this was something he wasn’t actually ready to hear.

He had _ached,_ for _so long_ , to know why she would ever leave him. But this was too much.

He stared at her, mouth hanging open, while he let her words fill in the blanks in his mind. He felt dazed.

 “But what was that _doing_ to you? What was _I_ doing to you?!”

She faced him fully, a few salty tears escaping her eyes, burning with all the hate and disgust she felt for herself.

“If I had _stayed_ , you would’ve never learned to stand on your own; _I_ was preventing you from doing that!”

That seemed to take him aback, as he started to protest:

“Hey, wait a moment, that can’t be–”

“And it wasn’t just that! When we were alone, it was even worse for you, because I represented a _standard_ you wanted – beat yourself up - to live up to…but you needed to get better at your _own_ standard! I made everything – _everything_ worse for you…”

That couldn’t be more far from the truth! He had been worse _without_ her, not-

“I was _never_ better withou– “

“Can’t you see?! I _had_ to go. I had to get away from you, to give you _your best_ _chance_ at recovery.”

To tell her or not, about his hallucinations, about how _lost_ he had felt without her…

Another wire turned in his head.

…So she had left because of that?

It was so far from what he had believed as the truth, he felt himself get rooted on the spot, unable to form any more coherent thoughts.

He registered Jemma bringing a hand to hide her face, while she breathed in slowly. He had the urge to say something, anything, but found that he couldn’t.

“I wonder, sometimes,” her voice was so small, “how many innocent people have been _killed_ because of the work I’ve done at Hydra. And all those months when I was alone, and _scared…_ all the time… But I beared all of that, because I had the feeble hope, that my absence was doing you some _good_.”

She peaked a glance at him. Her eyes shone with tears, and he felt a lump starting to form in his throat.

“I don’t know how much…that worked out. But you – you don’t get to tell me that I _gave up on you_! I didn’t have a _manual_ , I didn’t know what to do once I realized… I _gave you up_ , setting aside how much _I_ needed _you..._ ”

She stopped once she registered what she had just said. They stared at each other after that for a few heavy moments.

He had the sudden impulse to reach out to her in some way, but she averted her eyes too soon, glaring at the wall at her side.

 _“_ So if you want to hate me, at least do it for the _right_ reasons.”

“Wha-?! I never – there are no reasons to _hate_ you…”

“Yes, there are. There _are_. Don’t you pretend to not know that all that’s ever happened to you wasn’t _my fault_.”

“Wha – What are you even _talking_ about?!”

“ You said it _yourself_ … _I_ dragged you into all of this...”

“But that was a long – I didn’t even _mean_ it–“

The conversation was taking an unexpected turn. He felt caught completely off guard.

How could she bring up something he had said almost two year ago, when she had been about to _die_? And she had been right, he would always be _grateful_ that she had persuaded him into going into the field…

Was she really convinced he blamed her for that?

\---

This was it. Her last veil was about to be lifted, until all that would’ve been left was her bare, miserable self …a disgusting, pitiable creature meant to be thrown away and discarded.

She was still in time to stop it from happening. She could still prevent the conversation from going further, picking as excuse her need to get back to Bobbi…

However, she merely gulped, and set ready to sign her final sentence.

“And what did I even think I would accomplish?! What was I _thinking_ , going into the field without having even passed the assessment… It was so _naïve_ , and _foolish_ , and _arrogant_ of me!“

She looked at his face, apparently still set on arguing her points, so she realized they needed to get across in an unequivocal way. 

“And because of that _you_ got hurt. Not me, _you_! And to save _my_ life of all things, while I wasn’t _worth_ going through all that! We were there because of me… _I_ deserved it, not you!  And that isn’t to undermine your sacrifice, I’m saying that you shouldn’t – _I_ shouldn’t have let you…”

“No, no, no, no, wait, Jemma, stop,” his urgent tone didn’t convey all the panic he felt. He took a step forward, arms raised to reach her _, as if_ he would’ve been able to will away from her those atrocious thoughts simply by touching her.

She retreated back, her face hid behind her hands, while she turned away from him.

“If I had just been more _decisive_ into stopping you, if I hadn’t been so _stupid_ and weak… I _tried –_ to be stronger, to right my wrongs, to get rid of Ward, but I…and it’s all – all my fault, all my _fault_ …”

She felt herself getting pulled back by two familiar arms, that went to hold her against a too familiar chest.

“No, let me go, I don’t…”

As he hugged her to himself and was hit by the familiar smell of her hair, he was overwhelmed by the sharp desire to punch himself in the face. Hard.

All the time he had been mad at her, he had accused her, guilt-tripped her, lashed out at her, rubbed everything in her face…

And the girl that had been his best friend for ten years, that was currently trembling in his arms, while thinking she didn’t deserve a hug, but rather a permanent brain trauma…had been hiding all this quantity of emotions he still had difficulty sorting in his brain, and he had had mostly _no idea_.

“Fitz, please, let me…”

“ _I’m so sorry_ , Jemma.” He buried his face in her hair, and hugged her tighter. He let a few tears fall from his eyes.

“Wha-? Fitz…” Her voice came muffled and husky.

She was still trying to set herself free from his embrace, her hands pushing against his chest, but she didn’t seem to have the strength to do it.

“I – had wanted _you_ to be near me, while _I_ was being an utter rubbish friend…”

What was he even saying?

Why was he hugging her?

He had to let her go, or she would hug him back, and letting him go at that point would’ve _killed_ her.

“Don’t be ridiculous, Fitz–“

“I was! I never _noticed_ you were feeling this way, I was so focused on bloody _me_ …”

“You had every right to be, after everything you–“

“I had _no right_ – stop making excuses for me…”

They must’ve looked ridiculous, all fiercely arguing with each other, while tightly woven together, rejoicing at the long-lost sensation of the other’s embrace.

“Fitz, _please_.”

Her tone had shifted. It sounded resigned, yet determined.

“You have to…get away from me. Weren’t you just listening to–“

“Okay, Jemma, stop it. Just...stop it.”

He dragged them against the wall, where he slid down until they were sitting on the floor.

“Wha – what are you–“

The landing was rather messy. Jemma took the chance to get awayagain , but Fitz grabbed her before she could, holding her tight against him.

She ended up resting her head on his chest, while he encircled her torso, drawing circles behind her back.

It must’ve been a dream. It had to be. After finding out she was the source of all of his problems, he wouldn’t hug her like that.

But if he planned to set her aside, surely he wouldn’t be this cruel?

“Jemma, listen to me,” he began with his most reassuring voice.

How would he get his point across?

“None of this is your fault. I don’t blame you for what happened to me. It was my decision to save you, and I don’t regret it, not one bit.”

 He could feel her shaking her head, clawing at his shirt with her fingers.

“And you’re not failing at _everything_ …things are just difficult for everyone, and _nobody_ really knows what they’re doing.”

“But I…should be b–better than this. I’m not doing – I haven’t done anything right. And I’ve failed _you_ more than anyone, that is un–unforgivable…”

“You haven’t – it’s true that I didn’t understand what you were doing, and that I still hate that you left – I don’t think I’ll ever like it – but maybe, maybe it’s true that with you I wouldn’t have recovered fully, or… Well, we can’t know how it could’ve gone, but what I’m trying to say is that now I know that you at least did what you thought was right for me…and I can’t not appreciate that.”

She had started sobbing quietly, but was still shaking her head.

He took her by the shoulder, pushing her aside so that he could look her in the face. She looked so small.

“I am…a bit better now, and I can say I accomplished that all on my own. You gave me this chance, you saw the truth, made the tough choice when I couldn’t…”

He gave her small smile

“Thank you, Jemma.”

\---

_Thank you, Jemma._

He was thanking her. That was the last thing she had expected him to do.

This couldn’t be right. After all that she’d done, a thank you was just _wrong_.

“No, Fitz, how can you…” She couldn’t stop shaking her head. She had to get away from him, before he got hurt again because of her.

He took her face between her hands to stop her retreat. 

“Yes, Jemma, yes.”

He kissed her on the forehead, and the sensation of it was the sweetest she had ever felt.

“Thank you,” he repeated against her skin. He then shifted to press another kiss against her temple. “It’s not your fault.” And against her cheekbone. “You are not bad.”Against her cheek. “I’m so sorry for not _seeing_ you. But I’m here for you now.”  

She couldn’t restrain herself any longer. She threw herself in his arms, burying her face against his neck, hugging him more tightly than she had ever done.

Uncontrollable sobs started bursting through her chest, but she was afraid that if she let them get out freely, she would never stop.

“It’s okay. You can let go.”

She was finally hugging him. For a long time he had thought he had lost her. But it didn’t have to be like that anymore.

“Let it all out. You’ll be alright. We’ll get you help…We’ll get through this.”

“T–together?” There was a hint of hope in her broken voice.

“Together,” he promised.

And when she finally started all-out crying like she hadn’t done in what felt like a lifetime, with him following not long after, they felt more at peace than they’d ever been since the day they had been tossed into the ocean.

 

 

 


End file.
